WALK'S INTO A BAR JOKES

A SAILOR AND A PIRATE WALK INTO A BAR.
They sit down next to each other and get to
talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea
adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting
wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing
ships and killing his enemies. The sailor notices
that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a
peg leg, and asks, ‘How did you get the peg leg?’
The pirate replies, ‘When I was thrown off my
ship and floated for two days until my crew
rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark
as I was being pulled out of the water.’
The sailor, impressed, says, ‘Wow! That’s very
exciting. But what about the hook?’
The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat
sleeve. ‘When I was sword-fi ghting with an
enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.’
The sailor’s eyes are wide with awe at how tough
this pirate is, and he asks, ‘How did you get the
eye patch?’
‘Well,’ says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit,
‘a seagull shit in my eye.’
The sailor looks puzzled. ‘You lost an eye from
seagull shit?’
The pirate sighs and shakes his head. ‘It was my
first day with the hook.’


A HEAD WALKS INTO A BAR
and asks the bartender for a drink, and
after he is finished, bang! a torso appears. So
the head asks for another drink and after he
finishes, bang! arms come out of the torso. So
the head asks the bartender for another drink
and when he has finished, bang! legs appear.
The head is thinking, ‘Hey, this stuff is great,’
so he asks the bartender for one more drink for
the road and bang! his whole body disappears.
The bartender turns to him and says, ‘You
should have quit while you were a head.’

CELINE DION WALKS INTO A BAR.
The bartender says, ‘So, why the long face?’

A LEPRECHAUN WALKS INTO A BAR.
The bartender serves him and says, ‘That’ll be
£2.50.’ The leprechaun puts two £1 coins on the
bar and starts walking away.
The bartender shouts, ‘You’re a little short!’

A SCRAWNY LITTLE MAN WALKS INTO A BAR,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. The
bartender is the strongest man around and there
is a long-standing £1000 bet among the patrons.
The bartender will squeeze a lemon until all the
juice runs into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
patron. Anyone who can squeeze one more drop
of juice out wins the money. Many people have
tried over time but nobody can do it.
‘I’d like to try the bet,’ the little man says in a
tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter has died
down, the bartender grabs a lemon and squeezes
away. He hands the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter
turns to total silence as the man clenches his
fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the
glass. As the crowd cheers, the bartender pays
the £1000 and asks the little man what he does
for a living. Is he a lumberjack,
or a weightlifter, or what?
‘I work for the tax office.’

You're obviously building up to a joke. You've done your warm up, now, let's have it.

jak wrote:You're obviously building up to a joke. You've done your warm up, now, let's have it.

C'mon jak, the Celine Dion one was OK..................................................

jpr60 wrote:

jak wrote:You're obviously building up to a joke. You've done your warm up, now, let's have it.

C'mon jak, the Celine Dion one was OK..................................................

I didn't get that far

I miss the joke section on the old jwned.

Ringo wrote:I miss the joke section on the old jwned.

I can't understand that because you never posted a joke on it all the time it was there

Ringo walks into a Bar with a pig

The Barman says "That stinking thing can´t stay in here"

The Pig says to Ringo "Just wait outside while I have a quick pint"

Maybe not, But some that were posted were good

Next thing you know, Sean will set one up and bar me from doing anything but read it!

An Irish West Ham supporter walks into the bar and says i'll have 3 points please!

Thats it you're banned

I thought that would do it!

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and finds a jar full
of money on the counter. He asks the bartender
what it’s for. The bartender replies, ‘Every night
we have a contest where you have to complete
three tasks to win all the money in the jar.’
The man asks, ‘What are the tasks?’
‘First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer
and knock him out with one hit. Then, well,
there’s a pit bull out back and you have to pull
its blunt tooth out. Finally, the boss’s wife is
upstairs and you have to go pleasure her. But
you have to put down £10 to play,’ says the
bartender.
‘Damn,’ says the man.
Later that night, after several drinks, the man
smacks down £10 and says, ‘I’m in.’
He walks over to the bouncer and swings.
One hit and he’s out cold. The man falls flat
on his face too, but gets up and walks out back.
The only sound is the dog howling. Then the
man steps back in, goes over to the bartender
and asks, ‘Now where is that lady with the
blunt tooth?’

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and sees a sign
that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy
bartender. ‘Are you the one who gives the hand
jobs?’ he asks.
‘Yes,’ she purrs. ‘I am.’
‘Well, wash your feckin’ hands,’ says the man.
‘I want a cheese sandwich!’